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| I seriously do not know what to think or how to feel anymore. This is horrible. I know I am doing the right thing, but deep down it doesn't feel right. No matter what I do I cant seem to forget about him. I cant make myself stop caring no matter what I do. There's two people that I thought I could trust, but now I don't know. Well one of them I know for sure I cant. I had suspicion from the beginning so I was careful, but now I am even more sure I cant. It saddens me that people take advantage of my help and see me as someone they can just walk all over. That is one of the down falls of the field I am going into. You care about helping people so much that sometimes its hard to protect yourself.......I have made a lot of mistakes in the last few months and I wish I could take them back, but I cant. Maybe I should have handled Feb. a different way, but I really thought I was doing the right thing. I still feel like I did, but I guess on some days I just wish I could change things. Why God cant I get past this?....I have tried for years to fix things. I stuck by his side no matter what happened and in the end I couldn't change things. I am trying to move on, but everywhere I go hes there. 4 days in a row I either saw him or had something happen that had to do with him. At first I thought maybe that was sign, but then I just think about how hes barely tried to contact me and then things become clear. The last time I saw him I thought he told me he was still talking to Lexi, but I was too drunk to remember. I also heard that he was talking to this other girl, but I dont know what is true and what isnt!!! I keep hearing so many different things and its aggravating. I learned from the past to never trust his friends, and for a minute there I was starting to forget that, but I'm not going to make that same mistake again. I dont trust what anyone is telling me and I feel like the only way to really know the truth is to talk to him. I'm scared though. I have thought about telling him I still care and seeing if he wants to sit down and talk, but then I think whats the point? I cant be hurt by him again and I feel like if I made that decision he WOULD just hurt me again. I just dont know what to do. I am still very upset at him and part of me doesnt want anything to do with him, but then deep down I do still care. One of my favorite quotes is, "Sometimes you have to forget about how you feel and think about what you deserve". I think about that alot and that is what has kept me from contacting him, but I am still dying inside.
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| I hope I find a job soon, my dad gets better and my brother is able to make some big changes. I have a good feeling that everything's going to workout.
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| I cant take some of this crap anymore. My brother is out of control and I'm afraid to leave him alone with my parents. Its unbelievable how much my parents have to put up with. I'm so scared what the future is going to be like. If something ever happened to my dad, my mom and brother could never be on their own. Not to mention my brother will never get out on his own. Its sad and sickening to watch! On another great note my dad has his infection back and is in so much pain he can barely walk. They probably are going to have to pull the tube again and hes going to have to go on hemo. Hes so down and I dont know what to do. All he cares about is pleasing everyone else no matter how bad he feels. Hes such a good person and he has to go through so much. Its not fair. I'm usually am always full of so much hope, but tonight aeI am tired. I am tired of always have a great outlook on things. For once I am sitting back and feeling miserable. I pray all of the time that God watches over my parents and everyone I love and he always answers my prayers. But it just doesnt make sense that such a wonderful person has to suffer so much. Maybe Gods testing him or theres a reason why this keeps happening. God could be doing this so it will push my dad to loose weight so he can have the kidney transplant. It could be alot of things. I'm not blaming God or giving up on him. I'm just really down tonight.
Last night didnt help things either. I dont know who I can trust anymore and I am sick of hearing all this bullshit that I have no proof that its even true. I am doing what I should be doing, but I need to cut all ties in order to feel okay.
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| This is getting extremely annoying! Cant take it anymore.
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| Today is going really good so far! I walked over to the mall and got some stuff from my favorite store! They have way better stuff here then Wisconsin!!! Not to mention its so beautiful out. I would do anything to be able to move here. Its so peaceful and relaxing and you dont have to worry about getting shot. Most people would see that as a good thing lol. I was able to get some sun too. I think I might have even gotten a little burnt. Besides that my stay here so far as been wonderful! We went hiking 2 times already and out to eat a few times. I needed this vacation so bad! My brother had to work yesterday and today so were gonna do more on the weekend when he has off. I'm actually waiting for him to get home now. Were going to order pizza and then I'm going to help him grade some hw assignments and put grades in the database. :) Well I better get going! I wanna surprise him and do some cleaning before he gets back. Hope everyone is doing good. ~xoxo | | |
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